Crossed Over

CLC just wrote a blog entry that I can completely relate to. I've already said I wasn't sure what would happen to this blog, and now that Maddie's here, I'm even more uncertain.

This space has given me a place to vent and to rage and to hope and to worry and to wait...and now I've crossed over from the place that I was to the place that I am. I am not the person I was before getting pregnant the first time, and I'm not the same as I was right after I miscarried, and I'm not the same as the the day before Madeleine was born. I want to keep writing, and I will, but this seems to be the wrong place to talk about cloth diapering and breastfeeding and all of the other things that are on my mind now.

So I'm stepping back, and I'll see how it goes. I'll still be following your journey, and praying that you will soon have the same dilemma I face now. Thank you for helping me through the anguish of loss, the frustration of trying, and through a pregnancy full of complications - this space has been my sanity and my sanctuary, and you have been my support.

With much love and gratitude,
Amy


PS - My family blog is here if you want to stay connected in the blogosphere.

Sling and Swaddle Journey

So now that I have lots of time on my hands (haha!) I'm picking up a new hobby: twittering. But this isn't just random twittering (ok, maybe a little bit random). I've been picked as one of 30 moms to go on a Sling and Swaddle Journey for 30 days and tweet about it (the winner gets a 2K prize!). I get a new Hotsling and a couple of Miracle Blankets (they should totally distribute those at the hospital) and then I'm supposed to tweet and collect followers. Excellent! Only problem? I'm totally new to twitter and there seems to be a whole new language I need to learn. Any twitter tips, dear internets?

You can check out my profile or follow my tweets at mom_07. Please? Pretty please?

Bitchiness, Baby, and Books

Our last visitors left Monday afternoon, and now Maddie has met all of her grandparents, aunts, and uncles. This last visit was exhausting, and seeing my mom as such an invalid was just...well, disgusting. I was honestly so irritated with how she refuses to take care of herself and is therefore a victim of her own making. Nothing will motivate her to change. I've been waiting for something to click for her for my entire life, and she wanted a grandchild so desperately that I thought this might be the thing that would push her to get healthy so she could be a good grandmother. But no. No, no, no. I had a hard time looking her in the eye for the whole visit, and for that I feel a little bit guilty - but only a little bit.

As for Madeleine, she's a beautiful 12 pound wonder child! We're completely smitten. Sadly, she just had her two month shots and they've left her fussy and tired. Breastfeeding is much improved, and we finally beat thrush. Yay!


And I'm reading again! Whoohoo! In the last few weeks I read Eileen Goudge's The Diary, which was a quick read that left me feeling like the main characters were some of the stupidest people I'd ever read about as they just never put the pieces together. Ugh. Then I read Jhumpa Lahiri's Unaccustomed Earth, which was fantastic. I love her writing style and always feel like maybe I know some of her characters, or maybe there's some of me in them. As soon as I finished that I hurriedly read Song Yet Sung by James McBride for one of my book clubs. This book is the 2009 pick for the One Maryland One Book program, and it is fantastic. I have to say I love historical fiction, but this book surpassed much of the genre in both capturing history and weaving a believable and engrossing story. As a Marylander, I felt woefully uninformed about my state's role in the antebellum era. If you get a chance, the book is wonderful. Next I read Little Bee for another book club. I can't tell you what it's about or I'll ruin it, but it's incredibly well-written and the story pulls you in from the first word, but it's also full of some agonizing realities that I don't always feel equipped to deal with (like now in super emotional mommy phase). Now I'm reading Queen of the Road: The True Tale of 47 States, 22,000 Miles, 200 Shoes, 2 Cats, 1 Poodle, a Husband, and a Bus with a Will of Its Own. Both of my book clubs have used this and I actually suggested it. So far, and I'm only 30 pages in, it's just ok, but I'll reserve my final judgment until I finish it. One book club I'm in read it for May and the author, Doreen Orion, called in to the meeting for an author chat, but I wasn't able to be there. But, being the copy cat I am, I asked her to call in for my other book club's meeting in June, and I'm very excited for that meeting! Reading has always been important to me, but now I feel like it's the lifeline that connects me to the grown-up world, the world beyond poo and spit-up and marathon nursing sessions. I love being a mommy, but it's nice to be reminded that I'm still an Amy, too.

Maddie-Land

We're still alive and kicking over here in Maddie-land. It's really all-Maddie, all the time, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dad came to visit. He was only here for a couple of days, which was good, and he came with nothing for Maddie. That's fine - people don't have to bring presents, but what irritated me was that in the short time he was here to see ane enjoy his first and only grandchild, he had to go shopping for a present for his girlfriend. Right. And he left his cell phone at home, which he mentioned every five minutes. The evening he left SHE called my house from his cell phone. When she asked for him I said he wasn't there, and she sounded all put out. I explained he was on his way home (and I should have added to his wife, but I restrained myself).

The next visit was much better! D's parents came and they just doted on Maddie. I was able to do all sorts of things with free hands since Grandma wanted to hold our little lovely the whole time. Plus, Tuesday was my birthday and his parents watched Maddie while we went out for dinner. It was so strange to be without her, but nice to have some couple time that wasn't taking place in between her naps!

I had my six-week checkup (at seven weeks) and I've been cleared for all manner of activity...exercise, bathing, swimming...sex. So strange. And we had to discuss birth control, which felt surreal. I spent so long on birth control, and then so much time trying to get and stay pregnant that I sort of thought maybe I should never go on birth control again. I mean, the likelihood of us randomly getting pregnant isn't great - it took a lot of work! And yet, I don't really want that kind of surprise right now, either, so birth control it is.

Oh...I hear cries...it's boob time, people.

Six Weeks

Yesterday was Maddie's six week birthday. Six weeks. I can't believe she's six weeks old, and yet it feels like she's always been here.

I feel like I have so much I want to say, and yet don't have the words or the time to get it all out. I have more tales of breastfeeding, a book review or two, thoughts on my father's first visit to see his granddaughter, fears about sex after giving birth, worries about returning to work in a couple of weeks (even though it's only for 11 days, and then I'm done...but who will hold my baby those 11 days?)...all of these have been composed into posts in the wee hour of the morning, and yet, I can't seem to really write about any of it.

We're here, internet friends. We're tired, but we're happy. And look...Maddie found her hands.


And then she made friends with Zoe. Or Zoe made friends with her.

Learning Curve

The learning curve on this whole parenting thing is really steep. For instance, did you know that if your cloth diapered baby has to eat sitting upright because your letdown is overwhelmingly strong and she happens to be wiggly and then has a bowel movement while eating, that you'll end up covered in poo? Me either, but I know it now (not that the knowledge helped me avoid it a second time). And did you know that breastfed newborns often have extra breast tissue themselves and that they're producing a little bit of milk, too? Crazy (and a little freaky). And did you know that breastfeeding in public under one of those covers should be an Olympic sport? It requires a lot of practice and you'll still end up flashing people (especially if you're me - I'm clearly not a gold-medal contender in this event). Did you know that thrush can just hang around for weeks and weeks and just when you think you've beaten it more patches show up in your baby's mouth and your breasts begin to feel like there are hot daggers inside them? Did you know that I can smell my baby even when she's not with me? That her scent, that beautiful, amazing scent lingers and makes me want to pick her up so I can breathe it in again and smell more than the memory of it?

There's a lot to learn, and admittedly I feel a bit overwhelmed by it sometimes. When it's 3am and I'm covered in a sticky combination of breast milk, spit up, snot, pee and poo and my baby is screaming because she hates being naked, I'm a bit overwhelmed. But I'm also overwhelmed when I look at her adorable little face, so perfect and wonderful and full of possibility and promise. There's a lot to learn.

Over the Hump?

Everything seems more manageable this week - the breastfeeding, the cloth diapers, the lack of sleep, the massive amounts of laundry, and even just getting little household tasks done. The first couple of weeks were so overwhelming, and I found myself crying for no reason and every reason so often. The nurses and doctors all tell you this will happen and that your emotions will be all over the place while the hormones are all out of whack in your body, but I sort of thought maybe that wouldn't happen for me since I wanted this so badly. Haha! My body is not immune to hormonal imbalances, that is for certain.

But for the most part, things are starting to feel more routine and ultimately, more manageable. The last few days I've been able to get vacuuming done, clean the bathroom, and even make some cookies (with Maddie's help - she hung out in the sling). We're making progress.

So often I look at Madeleine and I still just can't believe she's here, even though she's right in front of me. I can't believe she grew inside of me, that D and I made her, and that this little tiny person is going to grow up. Wow. She's just amazing.